Loving from the inside out
So here I sit on a Monday evening just surfing the net. Catching up on business emails, personal emails, dating web site messages, singles web sites and their upcoming events all the while munching on freshly sprouted mung beans! I’m trying not to snack on junk food while mindlessly wasting time in front of my computer 
Now that I have gotten through all of that “checking” and “updating” I have time to reflect on the past few weeks.
A couple of weekends ago I had a terrific Sunday. I did a sprint triathlon. I wore an outfit that I would never have considered wearing and there is photographic proof of it as well. Nope – not sharing that photo here. That’s still outside my comfort zone! LOL
The fact of the matter is that I pushed way outside my comfort zone and lived to tell the tale. I was able to see photos of me and I just am not the same person I was a year ago. In the photos you can see the mental and physical changes and it’s quite astounding….or at least I can see them.
There is no doubt that I have been working very hard to train for the spring tri as well as my marathon in October. I have also been working on my thought processes. I’m finding however that my body is adjusting better to the transitions than my brain.
I feel like I have plateauxed in the brain enlightenment department. I’m still trying to find the power within myself to love who Iam now and not what I could be. While the compulsion to dislike my current self is weaker than is ever has been, my discovery is that this isn’t because of the work that I have been doing with myself but the outside congrats and compliments that I’m getting.
I have been getting an amazing amount of external reinforcement that I’m pretty, sexy, etc. However when those things go into a lull I’ll find myself wondering what’s wrong with me, what aren’t I doing right, etc.
I didn’t even see the pattern happening. It was my best friend that saw it first. I kept talking about how other people liked me and how I felt great, confident, etc. Naturally who doesn’t like compliments but really in my case there wasn’t a good balance of self love and external confirmation.
Once I had a chance to just sit with that, I realized that this was totally true. I had great ups and downs. The people that were great at complimenting me came in and out of my life at different times and so when they weren’t there I had a hard time picking myself up.
And so the adventure continues. I work with EFT, positive self talk and try to push my boundaries further everytime to just see the beauty in myself. I was proud when I saw the photos from the triathlon. I need to harness that and have it continue inside me.
I have still come a long way since I was sick in highschool with anorexia. I have to give myself that. I still have a ways to go though to power myself and shift the balance of my self confidence to a source within me rather than outside of me.
It’s a learning process I suppose. I have to learn not to relax on my self development when people notice that I have changed phsyically. I need to see them as separate entities. Accept the compliments but keep working at my inner voice.
