I am yet again on a nifty adventure of re-adjusting to my work situation.  I gave the full time work thing a try for 3 months and that wasn’t meant to be so I’m back to working full time for myself and so far so good.  Of course it’s only been 5 days since I have been back.  It’s probably a honeymoon period, right?  LOL  All joking aside I’m thrilled to be back to this and I’m going to make this work because this is my path.  I’m sure of it!

My running season last year went well.  I saw a few new PBs and that was very exciting for me.  Training has started up again for marathons and I’m lacking the discipline needed to improve my times but I’m hoping to find that soon now that I’m not working 2 jobs.  Just one really big one

Being that it is winter here, I have a tendency of day dreaming about traveling south to enjoy sun, sand and surf.  That then lead to what I would wear in the balmy weather.   It seemed strange that I had to ponder this.  Normally I would have just decided that it’s my regular swimsuit, some kind of coverup when I’m out of the water because no one needs to see me in just a bathing suit.

It was then that I realized that I wanted to explore my comfort zone of bathing suits.  What would I wear on a beach?  What would I be comfortable with?  Question that I normally completely avoid.

So off to the mall I went in search of answers.  To my shock I gravitated towards 2 piece bathing suits.  I was hesitant of course but threw caution into the wind and tried them on.   Here is where things totally went into twilight zone mode…….I was ok with what I saw in the mirror.  True enough I am not skinniest creature on earth, I am curvier than some but I somehow was able to accept this and take comfort in knowing that I looked healthy.  Now this isn’t to say that I would be thrilled if someone took a photo of me on vacation in my bikini, or that I have even wandered outside of a change room at Old Navy in this outfit – I’m not quite there yet – but considering my history of body image this was a good step in the right direction.

I can’t believe that this snuck up on me.  I didn’t see this coming.  I had no idea that this is where I was in the body image acceptance process.  I’m sure there will be days where I won’t feel as confident but I’m willing to believe that this kind of attitude will only increase over time.

I really wish I knew exactly what I did to get to this point in my mind so that I could repeat it over and over again but alas that is unclear.  Amidst a chaotic 2010 and already interesting 2011 I seem to have been able to work through a few gremlins in my mind.

As I’m not going to be traveling anywhere that would require swimwear this winter/spring I guess we’ll see what I’ll be sporting this summer for pool side attire.  I can’t wait to find out!

Now that I have gotten through all of that “checking” and “updating” I have time to reflect on the past few weeks. 

A couple of weekends ago I had a terrific Sunday.  I did a sprint triathlon.  I wore an outfit that I would never have considered wearing and there is photographic proof of it as well.  Nope – not sharing that photo here.  That’s still outside my comfort zone! LOL

The fact of the matter is that I pushed way outside my comfort zone and lived to tell the tale.  I was able to see photos of me and I just am not the same person I was a year ago.  In the photos you can see the mental and physical changes and it’s quite astounding….or at least I can see them. 

There is no doubt that I have been working very hard to train for the spring tri as well as my marathon in October.  I have also been working on my thought processes.  I’m finding however that my body is adjusting better to the transitions than my brain. 

I feel like I have plateauxed in the brain enlightenment department.  I’m still trying to find the power within myself to love who Iam now and not what I could be.  While the compulsion to dislike my current self is weaker than is ever has been, my discovery is that this isn’t because of the work that I have been doing with myself but the outside congrats and compliments that I’m getting. 

I have been getting an amazing amount of external reinforcement that I’m pretty, sexy, etc.  However when those things go into a lull I’ll find myself wondering what’s wrong with me, what aren’t I doing right, etc. 

I didn’t even see the pattern happening.  It was my best friend that saw it first.  I kept talking about how other people liked me and how I felt great, confident, etc.  Naturally who doesn’t like compliments but really in my case there wasn’t a good balance of self love and external confirmation. 

Once I had a chance to just sit with that, I realized that this was totally true.  I had great ups and downs.  The people that were great at complimenting me came in and out of my life at different times and so when they weren’t there I had a hard time picking myself up. 

And so the adventure continues.  I work with EFT, positive self talk and try to push my boundaries further everytime to just see the beauty in myself.  I was proud when I saw the photos from the triathlon.  I need to harness that and have it continue inside me. 

I have still come a long way since I was sick in highschool with anorexia.  I have to give myself that.  I still have a ways to go though to power myself and shift the balance of my self confidence to a source within me rather than outside of me. 

It’s a learning process I suppose.  I have to learn not to relax on my self development when people notice that I have changed phsyically.  I need to see them as separate entities.  Accept the compliments but keep working at my inner voice.

I didn’t realize how long is has been since I have written here.  Wow the changes that have happened since then.  

I can proudly say that my whale suit continues to sit beside me and I haven’t put it on.  I refuse to at this point actually!  I’m still doing EFT for stress management and working on building my fitness levels.

Today has been particularly difficult in that a plan that I was excited about for the past few weeks has fallen through.  I’ll have to take the weekend to adjust, rethink, etc before I feel better.  But I am ok.  Not great but ok.

I’ll let you know that I have already enjoyed a bowl of icecream so I suppose that’s my way of comforting myself.   I suppose an apple would have been better but that wasn’t my natural instinct. 

All in all though life has been good.  I’m on a serious exercise regime due to a triathlon I have in August and a marathon in October.  Lots of training to be done. 

Since my last post I believe I’m another 15 pounds lighter.  I have clothes now that don’t fit at all because they are way too big.  I’m just about to pack up those clothes and give them to charity so that I never go back there again.  I’ll be continuing this trend of losing weight, purging my closet of unwearable clothes and just feeling comfortable with me.  It’s getting easier to do that now a days which is a nice thing to be able to report.

I did take a look at older posts and started to assess what I’m like now compared to then.  Believe it or not I wore a tighter fitting dress to a gala I went to.  I have recently bought clothes that “fit” me for the body I have and not like a tent.  I have even started to wear the odd sun dress.  Strange but true.

I’m not sure I would have seen these changes without this blog.  Maybe that’s why I was compelled to start it.  Food for thought.

I’m proud of where I am.  Excited of where I will end up.  It’s all good!

The past two group sessions I have found myself not actually craving the sugary foods that normally are my staple when life is stressful.  I don’t believe that my life is much less stressful than in the past but I do feel like I am more aware of my emotional levels and find ways to deal with them in a constructive manner that I control.  So in some cases I’ll find myself wanting to exercise, take a bath, or just mediate.  Other times I want to snack on something but rather than going for pure sugar I try to give my body something that it can benefit from and that decision makes me feel empowered.  So I’ll go for milk, or an apple, maybe orange juice if the moods strikes me.

I find myself in a better mood lately, my body is happier with me and I’m just more in tune with what’s going on with me.  The in tune part is the most interesting to me as I thought it would take a great deal of effort to constantly check in with myself and ask questions on what I’m feeling, thinking at the moment when I’m craving simple sugars but it started to happen naturally because my body really wanted me to ask those questions all along.  I just wasn’t ready.

And so here I am now, being more aware of the thoughts in my head and getting great rewards from it.  As always the last 4 weeks in sessions with Cheryl have been enlightening and I’m constantly growing as a person. It’s been a terrific journey and I can’t wait to see what else I learn about myself.

My bath is filling with very hot water, the scent of my bubble bath wafts in the air and I’m craving a lollipop.  It’s 10pm…and I want a lollipop.  There is no logic to it.  I just want it.

So here were my options:

1.  Punish myself by not having the lollipop because I didn’t get to the gym

2.  Reward myself for such a great job loosing weight – nothing like a food reward when trying not to diet this time around

3.  Just give in and enjoy the grape Laura Secord lollipop for what it is…..something I want, something that I will enjoy and be done with it.  No muss, no fuss!

Now my instinct was to go and do options 1 or 2.  Both of which would take emotional energy and the lollipop just wouldn’t have tasted as good.

So as I have been writing this, I went with option 3 and am just finishing off the sweet sugary treat and will now proceed with the rest of my life.  Simple as that.

I wonder if I will ever get to the point where I wear form fitting clothing as I have been weary baggy clothing for so long and it really is a comfort zone for me.

I suppose in my process to accept my body and gain confidence in myself and how I look perhaps I will evolve to tighter clothing.  I already have to wear snug clothes when  I run and I choose to work out in spandex and I haven’t died yet so perhaps I’m growing as a person.

These particular pair of jeans were getting more snug in fall 2009.  This wasn’t good as they were pretty roomy to start with.

So as I worked through the Body Confidence program with Cheryl and Scott I started working on my insides and now my outsides are starting to follow suit.  I’m not as snacky after dinner, I don’t have to horde chocolates and secretively eat junk food in the car between meetings.  Those feelings have subsided for the most part.

I’m not going to say that I’m cured or that they will never come back but I do know that they are a lot less and every time I turn down sugar, caffeine and such I actually feel like my body is thanking me.

So with that I can say that I have lost about 10 pounds since starting this blog and it has been a great journey.  I have actually taken part in the common techniques to loose weight but it doesn’t feel the same as dieting because I’m choosing to exercise and enjoying it.  I push my limits where I want to and not at other times. I have full control over what I want to do and don’t hold myself to any unrealistic and unachievable expectations or goals.  It’s a completely natural and therefore sustainable.    I want to keep active.  I want to skip the extra sugar because I feel better when I’m less jumpy.

Here is another thing that has changed.  While the scale says 10 pounds are no longer on me, I really do feel so much lighter and better.  It’s just not a diet mentality.  I can’t wait to see where this takes me and I’m 100% confident that these changes that I have made over the past 2 months are sustainable.

I like who I am inside and out.  My body is adjusting to where it wants to be naturally.  I have no idea what that final weight will be.  I know that it is not done transforming yet.  I’m sure I have lots more to learn.

The body confidence courses, take home techniques and meditation CDs all help me to ground myself.  When I’m stressed I’m aware that I need to breathe.  After a long day when I’m ready for bed and my mind is racing, I can calm it down and sleep more soundly.

We all put our bodies through a hell of a lot.  Through these courses I have learned to treat it with more respect and it is rewarding me for it.

And so while I don’t like belts, I’m thrilled that I now have to wear one on a pair of jeans so that they stay put! I’ll take it

Right before Christmas I was faced with some news that was inevitable.  The news was indeed bittersweet.  I ended up in a funk to beat all funks.  I couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t hungry, my stomach flopped around 24-7 – so good times all around.

This funk was not to be tackled on my own.  There was no way that I could have weathered this internal storm without my support crew by my side.  So I learned very quickly to ask for help and immediate help at that.

All in all I managed to return to a manageable way of life within a few days.  I suffered another minor upset where my support team (friends, coaches, loved ones) stood by my side, listened to me and offered me tissues when tears were shed.

And so the new year is here.  I have been able to turn around the news and feel comfortable with it and know that my life will continue to move forward and get better.   Not that it was horrible to begin with but I have had some stumbling blocks that I have struggled with for a while now that were starting to get on my nerves.

Though the stress was great, the lessons learned and the growth that I achieved on a personal basis far outweighs the situation that presented itself.  However without the techniques that I have learned through my sessions I’m not sure the growth factor would have been as great or as smooth.

I’m grateful for the strength that my team gave me and the ideas that they provided to help me through some very tough times.  I’m sure there are still bumps and bruises along the way but I know I have people I can count on to help me plow through the stressful times.

A part of my therapy to help me define myself and where I am in my life was to redecorate my room.  It was still stuck in my past of being married and as this is no longer the case I needed to claim that room for myself.  With help and much time and effort the room is now perfectly me.  The energy is so much different and it will give me the chance to reconnect to the new me after getting through the holiday season.

And so I’m excited to start the new year. I’m thrilled about where I am in life at this point in time.  It’s all a matter of getting back on track and making great things happen for me and the people around me.

I’m off to write down my goals for 2010 and then make my wishes come true

All the best to everyone this year.

I live in Guelph, Ontario and here we have to sort all our garbages into multiple bags and such.  To save on space however I normally toss my garbage in my office into 1 bag and sort it out the night before garbage day.  So that’s some of the background.

You should also know that I always have a constant supply of small halloween size chocolate bars in my house.  ALWAYS!  It’s just something that I do.  It’s probably more torture than I need but it feel better having chocolate in the house.

Throughout the week I go about my days and nights working, blogging, chatting with friends and such.  My computer is a very large part of my life in that I work and play at my computer.  I don’t have a different computer for personal use and business.

The night before garbage day I sort my waste as Guelph requires and I started to notice a trend.  The weeks in which my life was a little over the top in terms of stress the number of chocolate bar wrappers increased significantly.  When there was a week that I didn’t find particularly tough, they would decrease.

While this doesn’t seem like a great revelation as this is obviously past the point where I have consumed the offending chocolate bars mindlessly at my desk.  It did give me food for thought in that while sorting my garbage I would try to reflect and figure out what caused me the greatest amount of stress that week.  In some cases I could pinpoint the situations and other times it was just an overall doom and gloom that was lingering over me.

With that reflection I could find things to tap on, watch for the same patterns coming up because I was aware now of what I was doing.  I’m not saying that I assess every situation now before I take a bite of a chocolate bar but I am more careful as to why I’m using sugar to cope.

So if you don’t think you can learn something about yourself by rifling through your garbage I’m here to say that you’re sadly mistaken   Funny but true!

It has now been officially 1 year since I started working with Cheryl Laird and I believe I’m at about 3/4 of a year with Scott.

The past 2 sessions with the group and 2 individual sessions have really given me some new inner strength and awareness of my surroundings.

I’m not sure what flipped the switch but I’m very glad that I have reached a new level in my phase of life as I know it.

The past few days have been very interesting in my world. I have taken to eating healthy because I want to…not because I have to.  I know what eating healthy does to my body as I have done it in the past but at this point it is happening relatively effortlessly and that’s a nice change.

Sure I have to spend more time in the fruit and veggies aisle at the grocery store but that’s about all it takes for me to get what I need and naturally crave good things for meals. 

About 2 -3 weeks ago Scott introduced the group to wheatgrass.  It looks like it sounds….it’s grass folks.  Green and skinny and you grab a pinch of blades and munch on it for a snack like a bovine of sorts (saying cow didn’t seem appropriate! LOL).  It’s a neat taste and there aren’t words really to describe it but I can tell you that the next few days after that first munch of wheatgrass I wanted another hit!  My body was thankful for the nutrition and I craved grass.

The wheatgrass supplier that Scott uses called Spouting Life is at the Guelph Farmer’s Market every Saturday but sadly my schedule has not allowed me to go and get some.  So today I finally picked up my first order of wheatgrass from their home.

It’s inexpensive and the benefits are just incredible for your body.

In the past 2-3 weeks I have noticed a definite change in my body.  I’m not as sugar starved.  I don’t need to eat as much as my body isn’t looking for extra nutrients it didn’t get.  My complexion has improved significantly too. 

I’m not saying that I don’t have sugar any more.  That is so not the case.  I still eat sugar in many forms.  I still drink coffee, have bagels and dessert.  I hardly doubt that I will give those up because I like them.  I’m also not saying that I’m cured for life and this is a miraculous change that is happening.  What I am saying is that through working past other obstacles/block in my life, outside of the food realm, I was compelled and excited to make changes in what I chose to eat. 

Achieving body confidence, feeling healthy and enjoying the body you have and wanting to improve upon it comes from knocking down deep seated issues that have nothing to do with food!  

I know that the other participants of this program enjoyed their time in sessions and have gotten great insight and value from these courses.  We all are in different phases in our lives with different goals we want to achieve but over all we found ourselves more confident, happier and less reliant on comfort foods which has had a great affect on our lives individually.

Thanks to Cheryl and Scott for all your efforts and your persistence and passion in our journeys.  We greatly appreciate it.

I know what I should be doing but there is only so much time in on evening.

Here are my shoulds:

• Go to the gym and re-energize
• Make my holiday crafts for my relatives
• Email out an annoucement to business associates
• Read my book that I haven’t picked up in ages
• Bake holiday cookies
• Run a spyware software on my computer

So what to do…I’m feeling a little over whelmed by the list that is collecting and it could keep going if I spend any more time on it.

I think I’ll follow Scott’s advice and just take a breather/recess.  I’ll make myself dinner and then decide at that point what I feel like doing. 

I hope that taking a step back will help the anxiety.  The gym probably would be a good thing too.  First dinner and then decide.  I have been going a mile a minute since I got up this morning so it’s time to let my brain reset for a bit before making any further decisions